The November Articles

Well, I've started writing the next book. Life goes on I guess. Never slow down, never give up, that's the Heman way. During November I wrote a bunch of short stories, I thought I might make the next book a short story collection but it'll probably never happen. My attention span is short enough to make none of my full-length books coherent but it isn't short enough to crank out short work after short work. Anyways I'll probably post some of these to give you an idea of what's going down. Here's the first one:

THEY CAME FROM SPOTICUS 5

It ruffled and fluttered through the trees as it descended. A weave, a bob, a sudden curl as it sloped to earth.
The small oval, not yet used to the earth's dense atmosphere and formidable turbulence, righted itself with great difficulty and lowered it's landing gear. It wasn't much larger than a leaf of notebook paper, and it's thickness was about equal.
It touched down on short, carefully trimmed grass. Creatures began to emerge. They resembled tiny, flat spots. The spots possessed the ability to float, and used it to explore what they would later learn was a human lawn.
"Smokin'!" said a teenage girl, scooping up some of the invaders. "Check out all these badass spots I just found!"
"Whatever, you didn't find those!" said her little brother.
"Did too!" said the girl. "They were right there on the lawn! Boy, wait'll my friends see these!"
"Why would your friends care about a bunch of spots?" asked the boy. "More importantly, why would YOU care about a bunch of spots?"
"Duh, when I wanna skip school all I have to do is put some of them on my face. I'll moan and cough a bit and mom will think I'm sick." said the girl. "I'll never have to go to class again! Muahaha!"
"Glory lanes!" exclaimed the kid, awestruck. "I knew you had a scheme cooked up!"
"Always!" his big sister replied. "Now, help me catch some more and I'll let you keep half!"
"Oh thank you! Blessed art thou!"
Meanwhile, the spots were totally pissed off. Their flight path was erratic as they tried desperately to shake off the huge beasts. They were unimaginably... tall! Such thick objects were unheard of on their home planet.
"Yah! Yah!" shouted the boy, swinging at them with a butterfly net. "En garde, ye spotly spits!"
"Dude." said the teenage girl, suddenly dead serious. "What the fuck."
"What?" he asked.
"A butterfly net? You think this is a game?" The girl narrowed her eyes. "These are spots we're dealing with. Who knows what kind of diseases they could be carrying!"
"What does that have to do with-"
"Oh please, even you're not that stupid!" said the girl. "Everyone knows butterfly nets are CARRIERS!"
"Oh shit!" said the boy, dropping the one he was holding. "I had no idea!"
"It might already be too late." said his sister solemnly.
The boy coughed. "Quick, sis! You gotta get me to a hospital!"
"There's no time." said the girl, with calm, saddened acceptance. "Just try to relax. It'll be over soon."
The boy, not yet in middle school, decided it would be best if he simply resigned to his fate and went to the end with dignity. However, just when he was announcing his resignation at their backyard podium, something magical happened.
The mysterious spots began floating out of the ship in droves, thousands upon thousands of them. They floated across the lawn as a flat sheet of white, heading towards him.
"Wow!" said the girl, fascinated. "This is amazing! What are these things?!"
The boy didn't know. But somewhere, deep down inside, he knew they were trying to help.
The sheet of white wrapped around his body, gently enveloping him in a soft, snug coccoon.
At first, the girl thought they might be angels, here to carry him off to the afterlife. But she was proven wrong when they ruthlessly crushed his ailing body like an anaconda. Their white, spotlike bodies stained with blood, they disembarked from their victim, revealing a gruesome pile of mangled flesh.
The girl screamed and ran as fast as she could. This turned out to be pretty fast, since she was in great shape from being on the school's track team, and it was enough. The spots were quick for their size, but she soon lost the gliding sheet of death.
She staggered into a police station, sucking in deep, heaving breaths while clutching a cramp in her side. "Officer! There's a sheet from space after me! It killed my brother and now it wants me!"
"Ma'am, have you been smoking the golly leaf?" said the cop seriously.
"Uh, it's called pot, officer." said the girl. "And no, I haven't."
"How about snorting the devil's grain? Shot any slouching honey lately?" inquired the cop.
"No!" said the girl. "I'm completely sober, officer! The threat of space sheets is REAL, and unless we do something the whole world is in danger!"
"Space sheets. Riiight." burped the cop lazily. "I suppose next you'll tell me there's an anthropomorphic coastal fortress attacking town hall!"
The cop's police radio crackled to life. "Officer Snagdaddy! We need backup, fast! You're not gonna believe this, but I'm at town hall and there's some kinda huge oceanfront stronghold-"
"Not now, Jensen!" barked Officer Snagdaddy. "I'm romancing a fine lady!"
"Sorry sir!" said Jensen meekly. The transmission ended.
"I apologize for that interruption." said Officer Snagdaddy, putting on some Barry White. "Now how about you forget your little sheet problems and let 'The Snag' make it allll better?"
"Dude!" said the girl. "I'm sixteen!"
"That's when woman fruit is at it's ripest." explained the law enforcement officer. He looked her over lecherously. "Yep, I'd say you're just about ready to pick, heh heh..."
"Yuck!" said the girl. "Go pick someone your own size!"
Just then, the sheet from space started clawing at the window.
"Aiiieeee!" shrieked the girl, jumping under a table.
"Aw, how cute! It's just a baby!" squealed the cop, jumping to his feet and throwing open the station door. "C'mon in, little guy! Would you like a ball of yarn to play with? Or, perchance, a saucer of milk?"
"You idiot, this is a murderous beast we're dealing with!" screamed the girl. "Milk? The only way we're leaving HERE is in a BODY BAG!"
"Actually, some milk would be great." said the sheet. "Can I have some fish too? Red snapper if you've got any."
"Coming right up!" said The Snag, putting on his apron.
"What? That's all you want?" asked the girl, confused. "Then why did you smash my brother?"
"He looked like a fish." shrugged the spot sheet. "The sun was in our eyes, alright? Lighten up."
"Don't tell me to lighten up, you plump otter!" spat the girl. "Do you have any idea who my father is?!"
"No, who?" yawned the sheet.
"Lord Ravalon of the sheet kingdom." said the girl. "And I've got a funny feeling he wouldn't be too thrilled to hear about this unfortunate misunderstanding."
"Misunderstanding? Corey, what IS this earth female blabbering about?" said one of the spots in a vaguely British accent.
"We look like a sheet." said Corey grimly, obviously the spots' military commander. "And Ol' Ravalon don't take too kindly to copyright infringement."
"You're fanged right he doesn't." said the girl, hesitant to use the D word.
Just then Lord Ravalon showed up, and the shit really hit the fan. He was a sheet with a jewel-encrusted crown, a scepter of power, and a flowered print.
"WHO DARES CREATE UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTIONS OF MY VALUABLE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTIES?" bellowed Lord Ravalon in a deep, booming voice.
"They do, pop!" said the girl, pointing at the crooked space spots.
"AH, EXCELLENT SLEUTHING, DAUGHTER." said Lord Ravalon. "YOUR PRIVILEGED, UNCHALLENGED UPBRINGING AS MY ROYAL PROGENY HAS CLEARLY NOT SOFTENED YOUR DEDUCTIVE REASONING."
"Thanks."
"You'll never take us, old man! We are the mighty space spots! All Earth copyrights are ours to violate!" said Corey.
"YOU ARE DIRELY MISTAKEN! FOREVER SHALL YOU RUE THIS DAY!"
"Fish is done!" said The Snag, walking into the room carrying a huge platter of fish. "No Red Snapper, but these Basses were just caught this morning!"
"I THINK IT'S BASSI." said Lord Ravalon.
"Basses, bassi, what's the difference?" sulked The Snag, becoming emo. "At the end of the day, these tears are still real." He started softly weeping. "These tears... still hurt."
"It tastes great either way." exulted the space spots, after some of them formed a mouth so they could consume the tasty fish. "My compliments to the chef."
"IS THAT EVEN A COMPLETE SENTENCE? ENGLISH MUST NOT BE YOUR FIRST LANGUAGE." said Lord Ravalon insultingly.
"We were raised space spot, yes." said Corey sensitively.
"YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK. YOU COME TO EARTH, TAKE OUR JOBS, KILL OUR KIDS, SEDUCE OUR BEAUTIFUL EARTH WOMEN, VIOLATE OUR CREATOR'S RIGHTS, AND YOU DON'T EVEN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE." said Lord Ravalon. "GO BACK TO SPOTICUS 5 OR WHEREVER THE FUCK YOU COME FROM."
"Greater Spotulia, actually." sniffed Corey. "Lets go, gang. I can tell when we're not wanted."
"OH, YOU CAN? WE'RE SO IMPRESSED." said Lord Ravalon sarcastically. "ANY DAY NOW YOU'LL LEARN TO READ!"
Everyone in the room laughed heartily, except the spot people of Greater Spotulia, who fled the room, and the planet, in tears.
"Whoa-ho!" chuckled The Snag. "Did somebody say run-on sentence?"
"Sure did." said the Run-on Sentence Elicitor, chewing some beef jerky and wearing tons of studded leather. "You got a problem, tiny?"
"N-no sir." gulped The Snag, trembling with fear.