Sup Bogachevs

That's right I called you a Bogachev. Where are your witty comebacks now? Can't think of one, can ya? I knew that powerful insult would tongue tie you. Also, I'm doing the National Novel Writing Month thingy, over at nanowrimo.org they got all the info if you wanna start five days late. I've done this before and it's quite enjoyable, I'm putting The Cold Beak (the next thing I'm doing) on the backburper for a bit. Enjoy this thing I wrote last November about Stonewall Jackson:

SOLID GOLD STONEWALL

This story details the operatic saga of legendary civil war general Stonewall Jackson.
Sure, we've all heard of Fredericksburg and Antietam and Bull Run, but what happened to Stonewall Jackson AFTER the war between the states? Before this story, no one knew. But now I intend to draw back the curtain, to shed some light on this renowned, influential commander, as well as his storied final years.
Well, first things first, he became a cyborg. He couldn't handle the south's defeat, and decided to take matters into his own hands. He went over to Jefferson Davis' house one night, desperate for change.
"What've you got for me, Jeff?" he asked gruffly, taking a swig of whiskey. His dark, grizzled beard was tinged a faint red by the firelight of Davis' study.
The disgraced politician, leaning on the mantle, gazed into his fireplace, a bitter expression on his face. He'd been drinking. "Nothing." he said. "It's over, Jackson. Those damn Yanks have won. It's time to move on."
As he spoke these words, he could feel Stonewall's cold, piercing gaze on his back. "You know that's something I can't do." grunted the general.
Jefferson Davis sighed. He watched the fire dance for a moment, then said, "There is... something. But it's still in experimental stages."
Stonewall's dark eyes narrowed. "To the lab."
The former president nodded and pulled one of the candlesticks on the mantle. Like a lever it came down, and with a clank the fireplace swung outward, revealing a fluorescent-lit hallway. They took it to Jefferson Davis' secret lair, an amazing hidden laboratory filled with astonishing technology.
It was there that he made Stonewall Jackson, one of the south's most revered generals, into a cyborg.
When Stonewall Jackson awoke, he was made completely of gold. Gold arms and gold legs, gold hands and gold feet. Gold eyes and gold ears. A gold head with a gold brain, and a gold heart pumping liquid gold through his gold veins.
"I'm... I'm solid gold!" he exclaimed, looking himself over in a full-body mirror. "Is this what you would call... a cyborg?"
"Ah, not exactly." said Jefferson Davis. "Cyborgs are part robot and part human, and I assure you there isn't a drop of human left in your body."
"Then... then what am I?" asked Stonewall Jackson.
"A goldborg, Mr. Jackson." said Jefferson Davis coolly, sipping a fine wine. "A goldborg."
And so the reign of Solid Gold Stonewall began. He wiped out then-president Abe Lincoln with one punch in the face, then named himself Emperor of America. Nobody complained, for fear that they too would feel his wrath.
Drunk with power, he ruled America with an golden fist. Many assassins and insurgents rose to topple him, but all were crushed by his rippling golden musculature. Among these was his former leader and creator, Jefferson Davis. Everyone he defeated in battle he swallowed and digested, using their rich nutrients to fuel the golden gears that churned inside him.
Solid Gold Stonewall proceeded to invade Canada and Mexico, both nations falling feebly at his mighty golden feet. His army of gold-enhanced supermen breezed through South America to Antarctica, where he erected a 3000 foot radio tower, which would transmit gold beams across the entire planet. By New Year's Eve, everyone on earth would be slave to Stonewall.
However, just when Solid Gold Stonewall was celebrating in his colossal mansion with a glass of whiskey, the door to his study was rudely bashed in.
"WHO DARES?!" he roared, leaping out of his throne. A man and woman stood in his doorway.
"Hello, Solid Gold Stonewall." said the woman calmly.
The former general grinned evilly, revealing a row of golden teeth. "My personal congratulations on making it this far. It couldn't have been easy to disable my security drones. However, the journey ends here."
He fired a gold cannonball out of his mouth, and was shocked as it merely bounced off the man's face. He neither moved, nor blinked.
"It will take more than that to defeat us, Jackson." said the man.
The look of shock on Solid Gold Stonewall's face evaporated, replaced by a look of guarded curiosity. "Who are you people?"
Then, without warning, the woman fired a gold cannonball of her own! It took Solid Gold Stonewall by surprise, hitting him in the stomach and knocking him backwards into a shelf full of books.
"You're... you're goldborgs!" he gasped.
"Yes." said the man. The duo dropped their holograms, revealing their true, gleaming yellow forms. "I am Rube Goldborg. This is Whoopi Goldborg. We have all the powers you have, and more."
Stonewall's expression changed again, this time to disgust. "Davis."
"Yes." said Rube Goldborg. "Before you quashed his uprising, he created us. Should his mission fail, we would be unleashed. To do what humanity could not."
"To defeat me."
"Precisely."
Stonewall stood up and dusted himself off. "You could join me. Together, we could rule this pitiful planet. And beyond. Soon, the grip of our influence could reach to the stars!"
Whoopi Goldborg shook her head, her golden dreadlocks reflecting patches of shimmering firelight around the room. "Humans do not belong to goldborgs. Goldborgs exist to serve humanity."
"But we could do more! We could rule!" raved Solid Gold Stonewall.
"But we won't." said Rube Goldborg. "I'm sorry it had to be this way." He solemnly pulled a rope which dangled next to his head. This rope was connected to a cat's tail, causing the startled animal to jump up in the air. It hit its head on a bell, tricking two boxers into thinking it was time for a match. They beat the snot out of each other until one fell, accidentally switching on a stove as he collapsed. There was a pot of water on top of the stove, and as it boiled, the rising steam caused a balloon to rise. This balloon was attached to a small gate, and upon the lifting of the gate a bowling ball was allowed to go careening down a large chute. This bowling ball was tied to the trigger of a carefully placed gun, shooting and killing the hapless Solid Gold Stonewall.
"I did all I could... to make a gold utopia..." were the general's final words before closing his gold eyes.
After that day, the earth returned to normal. The world chose to overlook these dark times, and Solid Gold Stonewall was completely written out of the history books. Whoopi Goldborg and Rube Goldborg were never seen again. Rumor has it they changed their names, put up their holograms, and learned to live among us as normal people. But that, of course, is just a myth.
THE END